Worry And Self Talk

Remember, self talk is simply an internal dialogue, conversations we have with ourselves. Usually, when we worry, we have conversations with ourselves about distressing things we anticipate happening. The keyword here is "anticipate."
The worry is about something that hasn't happened and may or may not happen. Worry is always about something imaginary. Something that doesn't yet exist. Worry, in fact, is the process of becoming distressed about the nonexistent. Put in that perspective, it seems rather silly and useless.

Of course, worry is sometimes about events we imagine happening right now, but hidden from us or at a distance from us, as when we worry about whether or not the kids are at home doing their homework while we're at the office. And I'm not going to even begin to deal with worry about what someone else is thinking while we're dealing with him, because we don't call that "worry," we call it "paranoia." But wait, you say, this can't be true. I know the things I worry about are real and have happened already.

For example, said one client: "My husband had a heart attack -- that's awfully real -- and I'm damned worried about that.
''''' No, she's not worried about the heart attack, she's worried about the consequences of that heart attack and about the event of another heart attack. Events that may or may not occur. She's emotionally distressed about the heart attack, but it's already happened, it is a known quantity. We worry about what we don't know. '''''

You may feel the same way when you are distressed about a real event as when you are worried, but worry is a cognitive or intellectual happening that results in feelings. Feelings are real in either case. It's what the feelings are attached to that may or may not be real.

So, to get back to worry and self-talk, when you are worried about something, you are having distressing conversations with yourself about things you imagine might happen or be happening outside your observation. Because you are literally worried about nothing -- these events are in your mind, not in your real, physical environment -- there is nothing you can do about the objects of your worry. You are stuck. You are helpless. You can't do anything about nothing.

But you can intervene in these self-abusive internal dialogues as if you were an outside, objective mediator. You can transform these dialogues into useful and productive activities that allay the fears you feel and break the useless cycle of mental "awful"-izing.

Here's how:
1. First, use thought-stopping. Simply say "Stop" in your mind. Mentally shout it, if necessary. Whenever you find yourself worrying, stop the dialogue this way immediately. This may sound too easy, but it really works!

2. Next, replace the worry dialogue with a practical dialogue. The events you are anticipating really might occur and you can't waste your time stuck in the worry cycle. You have to plan your most probably effective responses to the most probable future events. (Or current events at a distance that will affect you in the future.) You have to determine if there is anything you can do right now to prevent or modify those events. Talk to yourself about what probably will happen. What can you do about it now and then. And you have to do now what you can do now to prepare for, modify or prevent those events. The only alternative is worry.
What would you rather do, worry or take what control of your life that is available?

Here's an example.
The woman whose husband suffered a heart attack worries about how that's going to affect his everyday life :
- what will he be able to do ?
- how will his activities be restricted ?
- will he be able to return to work ?
- how will their financial life be changed if he can't go back to work ?
- is he going to have another heart attack and die?

She has to break the harmful, thought-churning internal dialogue, get the facts that are known, project the probabilities, plan strategies for dealing with the probabilities and direct herself in doing everything now that can be done now. She has to discover what is being done and what can be done to promote recovery, both in the hospital and at home.

She has to plan and act upon necessary modifications in the couple's lifestyle that will help improve her husband's overall health, fitness and resistance to illness, such as diet, exercise, smoking cessation and stress-reduction.

If her husband can't go back to work for a while, the wife must discover the facts about the disability benefits his company offers, plan their household budget around the new, probably lower, income.

She must decide if she needs to modify the hours she spends on her job to accommodate her participation in her husband's recovery program. Or if she needs to take on a second job for their financial needs. In short, she doesn't have time to waste on worry, she has a lot of strategic planning to do and action to take. Right now.

How Not To Worry
What Is Worry
Worry And Imagery
Worry And Self Talk